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I failed my own personal code. I ruined a potential friendship. I was just a tool. She didn't truly care for me as a person. I am nothing to her now. I am nothing in general.It took me roughly forty minutes before I stopped crying my eyes out, getting up off the floor and proceeding to just lay down in my bed trying to get myself to sleep. Trying to sleep after something like that and the revelations towards myself and how things will play out in the future was incredibly difficult. Most people would've seen that event as a positive with no negative connotations. They somewhat scored. They touched breasts. They felt up a woman. They possibly made a woman orgasm. Who wouldn't think that was a major positive, right? Except she was my co-worker. She was someone clearly out of my league in terms of a intimate relationship. I never wanted it to advance in the way it did. I adored and admired her, but never wanted it to escalate in that way and even if I did, it always considered in. We weren't doing anything special. We were just heading back to campus together. I was thinking about some of the things we might do together at school.Jeff was quietly enjoying the journey as well. Wasn't he? I couldn't tell from the look on his face. He looked like he might be distracted. Was I just thinking too much?I needed to get a little perspective here. Despite all the supposedly fabulous men I had dated, I had never really had a boyfriend.Shocking, isn't it?What was the value in having a boyfriend? I could get a quality date whenever I wanted, to do whatever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I could have as little or as much sex as I wanted, and whatever kind I wanted. I could have complete control over any situation.A boyfriend would feel entitled to make demands on my time, on my attention, to have some say in the relationship. What did I need that for when I could get everything I wanted at no cost?Maybe this wasn't love and forever after; maybe it was just infatuation..
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